Now I Remember

It’s funny how my brain works.  Out of nowhere I recalled how I lost the weight I lost when I lost it way back when.  Yeah, I ran.  A lot.  But I also ate better.  Not just better like healthier, but smarter.

I consulted a Nutritionist – today I can plainly recall pleading with her on the phone.  I was begging for her to help me.  I consult her on occasion presently in fact.  We have spent hours together.  Not all at once, mind, my bank account could only handle so much at a time, but we talked things out and made a plan and talked more and planned more and in the end, she taught me to eat mindfully.

When a family member commented on my dramatic weight loss, he also asked how and what I was doing to achieve the change.  Today I can plainly recall exactly what I told him.  “I eat when I’m hungry.”

Duh.

But do you know how hard that is?  For me, it is monumentally difficult.  I said earlier that I am laser focused on fixing this new mess I find myself in and not just getting smaller, but learning how to stay smaller when I get there.  That laser focus is EXHAUSTING and some days I wonder if being fat isn’t the way the Universe meant for me to be.

Positive: At the moment, my focus is working.  I’m eating mostly only when I’m hungry and since joining WW, I have had just one binge (apple pie, Thanksgiving day) and my veggie intake is way up.

Negative: I am fearful that I won’t be able to change my ways and this will all be for naught.

Some days I wonder why I struggle so much with eating and my weight and why others seem to not.  Not in that kind of way where I am hateful about it – we all have our demons and while mine seem particularly vicious, I recognize that I could have things a lot worse.

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