Holy smokes. I just got a text, IN ALL CAPS BTW, from the one friend I have the whole wide world with whom I feel comfy no matter what. She’s seen me at my worst and at my best and she loved me the same on both days (no, not my mom, but she might qualify too).
I’m totally not a toad. I mean, come on. I’m not Cara Delevingne either and boy what I wouldn’t do for those eyebrows, but I digress.
This decades-long wrestling match has always been about what I am versus what I want to be. I think every woman on the planet wrestles with her appearance in some form or another. I am overweight and I don’t like how I look in my clothing. I can see the disappointment in my eyes and it has become difficult to fake it. I’m working on it. Again. Let me use my nose and my thighs for examples.
I was, thankfully, born with both a nose and two thighs. Both (all three?) are genetically significant, but as imperfect as my nose is, I feel like I have some responsibility to improve my fat thighs. While nosejobs aren’t uncommon, crooked ones or fat ones or hooked ones seem more socially acceptable than a pair of fat thighs, don’t you think? I can distract you from my imperfect face with perfect hair, perfect jewelry and shiny white teeth but I can’t really distract you from my luxuriously ample thighs unless I’m seated behind a coffee table in a darkly hued muu muu with a backpack on my lap.
Misguided though I may be, I derive my confidence largely from my appearance. The short time that I have been back on Assignment: Ass Reduction, I have felt some confidence return and I have fewer toad moments. Part of having confidence is feeling in control and obvs that is something I struggle with.
I wonder if I can get Activity Points for wrestling with my thoughts.