When I built my blog in 2013, I was a devotee of Mark Sisson and the Primal diet really spoke to me. It still does in many ways, but truth of the matter is: it was too much of a good thing and I couldn’t hang. (Read: My fault; not his.)
I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder (have never presented myself for such evaluation), but I can tell you with total and complete honesty that my discipline when it comes to food is a bad joke. I eat emotionally. When I’m happy and confident and feeling strong, you would know by the healthy food arranged in respectable quantities on my plate and when I’m bummed and low and feeling shitty, you’d have a clue because I sneak ice cream and take a second trip to the buffet (as it were, I truly don’t eat at buffets) and when it’s really bad, I just skip the second trip and load up on the first.
For the year or less I was Paleo/Primal/Whole Foods, I was so happy. To be clear, I was in the Primal category as definitions go, because I didn’t let go of Dairy. Eating fatty pieces of meat, lots of veggies, limiting my carbs including fruit but having a good raw nut binge more often than not and exercising in a controlled an purposeful way seemed like I had my shit so together that it was wrapped up in a box with a bright red bow and smelled like roses.
And had I eaten mindfully, I might be in a string bikini on the cover of some Over 40 and I’m a Badass magazine. Seriously, it could have been great. But I overate because the food tasted so good and I just couldn’t stop. I lost energy, I lost motivation, but I kept eating. Also, without understanding (listening to, working with) my hunger signals and instead eating when I “thought” I was hungry set me up to fail from the start. Eating high fat low carb is supposed to provide for more satiety and less hunger. So, fewer trips to the trough. Not for me, yo.
The thing that eludes me is how I lost the 30+ pounds I lost before I turned Primal. Apparently I was so focused on whatever I was focused on that I didn’t keep a journal or otherwise track my progress. I know that is when I became a runner, but I’m not sure what I did with my diet.
Positive: I’m laser-focused for the moment on fixing this. I want to increase my activity level first and cause my diet to follow. I have learned that when I’m working hard I want to sabotage less (notice I didn’t say stop sabotaging altogether) and so I think that if I can find a sweet spot of exercise to start with, then I can get a grip on my food consumption. Not setting out to run a Marathon too may, just may, help me keep exercise in my life post-weight loss. If I get there,that is. Keep my sights reasonably set, yes?
Negative: I literally dusted off the scale earlier this week, you know, just to check on things. Long gone from my wardrobe are the beautiful brass ring size 8’s, and the fat rolls on my midsection came out of nowhere (and are super fun to play with, by the way), but I was totally shocked to see that…don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry…28 of the 30 pounds is back. Can you believe that? Can you believe I allowed that to happen? I can’t. I’m so disappointed.
Opening day for baseball season is a mere 100 days away. I’d prefer not to wear a snuggy while sitting in the stands. It would feel better that when I glance down at my thighs I get just a glimmer of that runner’s pride instead of the full-on rush of shame of the doughnut-eater that I have right now.